Chapter 109

Theautumnpassedintowinter.PhiliphadlefthisaddresswithMrs.Foster,hisuncle』shousekeeper,sothatshemightcommunicatewithhim,butstillwentonceaweektothehospitalonthechanceoftherebeingaletter.Oneeveninghesawhisnameonanenvelopeinahandwritinghehadhopednevertoseeagain.Itgavehimaqueerfeeling.Foralittlewhilehecouldnotbringhimselftotakeit.Itbroughtbackahostofhatefulmemories.Butatlength,impatientwithhimself,herippedopentheenvelope.

7WilliamStreet,FitzroySquare.

DearPhil,CanIseeyouforaminuteortwoassoonaspossible.Iaminawfultroubleanddon』tknowwhattodo.It』snotmoney.

Yourstruly,Mildred.

Hetoretheletterintolittlebitsandgoingoutintothestreetscatteredtheminthedarkness.

「I』llseeherdamned,」hemuttered.

Afeelingofdisgustsurgedupinhimatthethoughtofseeingheragain.Hedidnotcareifshewasindistress,itservedherrightwhateveritwas,hethoughtofherwithhatred,andthelovehehadhadforherarousedhisloathing.Hisrecollectionsfilledhimwithnausea,andashewalkedacrosstheThameshedrewhimselfasideinaninstinctivewithdrawalfromhisthoughtofher.Hewenttobed,buthecouldnotsleep;hewonderedwhatwasthematterwithher,andhecouldnotgetoutofhisheadthefearthatshewasillandhungry;shewouldnothavewrittentohimunlesssheweredesperate.Hewasangrywithhimselfforhisweakness,butheknewthathewouldhavenopeaceunlesshesawher.Nextmorninghewrotealetter-cardandposteditonhiswaytotheshop.Hemadeitasstiffashecouldandsaidmerelythathewassorryshewasindifficultiesandwouldcometotheaddressshehadgivenatseveno』clockthatevening.

Itwasthatofashabbylodging-houseinasordidstreet;andwhen,sickatthethoughtofseeingher,heaskedwhethershewasin,awildhopeseizedhimthatshehadleft.Itlookedthesortofplacepeoplemovedinandoutoffrequently.Hehadnotthoughtoflookingatthepostmarkonherletteranddidnotknowhowmanydaysithadlainintherack.Thewomanwhoansweredthebelldidnotreplytohisinquiry,butsilentlyprecededhimalongthepassageandknockedonadoorattheback.

「Mrs.Miller,agentlemantoseeyou,」shecalled.

Thedoorwasslightlyopened,andMildredlookedoutsuspiciously.

「Oh,it』syou,」shesaid.「Comein.」

Hewalkedinandsheclosedthedoor.Itwasaverysmallbed-room,untidyaswaseveryplaceshelivedin;therewasapairofshoesonthefloor,lyingapartfromoneanotheranduncleaned;ahatwasonthechestofdrawers,withfalsecurlsbesideit;andtherewasablouseonthetable.Philiplookedforsomewheretoputhishat.Thehooksbehindthedoor

wereladenwithskirts,andhenoticedthattheyweremuddyatthehem.

「Sitdown,won』tyou?」shesaid.Thenshegavealittleawkwardlaugh.「Isupposeyouweresurprisedtohearfrommeagain.」

「You』reawfullyhoarse,」heanswered.「Haveyougotasorethroat?」

「Yes,Ihavehadforsometime.」

Hedidnotsayanything.Hewaitedforhertoexplainwhyshewantedtoseehim.Thelookoftheroomtoldhimclearlyenoughthatshehadgonebacktothelifefromwhichhehadtakenher.Hewonderedwhathadhappenedtothebaby;therewasaphotographofitonthechimney-piece,butnosignintheroomthatachildwaseverthere.Mildredwasholdingherhandkerchief.Shemadeitintoalittleball,andpasseditfromhandtohand.Hesawthatshewasverynervous.Shewasstaringatthefire,andhecouldlookatherwithoutmeetinghereyes.Shewasmuchthinnerthanwhenshehadlefthim;andtheskin,yellowanddryish,wasdrawnmoretightlyoverhercheekbones.Shehaddyedherhairanditwasnowflaxen:italteredheragooddeal,andmadeherlookmorevulgar.

「Iwasrelievedtogetyourletter,Icantellyou,」shesaidatlast.「Ithoughtp』rapsyouweren』tatthe『ospitalanymore.」

Philipdidnotspeak.

「Isupposeyou』requalifiedbynow,aren』tyou?」

「No.」

「How』sthat?」

「I』mnolongeratthehospital.Ihadtogiveitupeighteenmonthsago.」

「Youarechangeable.Youdon』tseemasifyoucouldsticktoanything.」

Philipwassilentforanothermoment,andwhenhewentonitwaswithcoldness.

「IlostthelittlemoneyIhadinanunluckyspeculationandIcouldn』taffordtogoonwiththe

medical.IhadtoearnmylivingasbestIcould.」

「Whatareyoudoingthen?」

「I』minashop.」

「Oh!」

Shegavehimaquickglanceandturnedhereyesawayatonce.Hethoughtthatshereddened.Shedabbedherpalmsnervouslywiththehandkerchief.

「You』venotforgottenallyourdoctoring,haveyou?」Shejerkedthewordsoutquiteoddly.

「Notentirely.」

「Becausethat』swhyIwantedtoseeyou.」Hervoicesanktoahoarsewhisper.「Idon』tknowwhat』sthematterwithme.」

「Whydon』tyougotoahospital?」

「Idon』tliketodothat,andhaveallthestoodentsstaringatme,andI』mafraidthey』dwanttokeepme.」

「Whatareyoucomplainingof?」askedPhilipcoldly,withthestereotypedphraseusedintheout-patients』room.

「Well,I』vecomeoutinarash,andIcan』tgetridofit.」

Philipfeltatwingeofhorrorinhisheart.Sweatbrokeoutonhisforehead.

「Letmelookatyourthroat?」

Hetookherovertothewindowandmadesuchexaminationashecould.Suddenlyhecaughtsightofhereyes.Therewasdeadlyfearinthem.Itwashorribletosee.Shewasterrified.Shewantedhimtoreassureher;shelookedathimpleadingly,notdaringtoaskforwordsofcomfortbutwithallhernervesastrungtoreceivethem:hehadnonetoofferher.

「I』mafraidyou』reveryillindeed,」hesaid.

「Whatd』youthinkitis?」

Whenhetoldhershegrewdeathlypale,andherlipseventurned,yellow.shebegantocry,hopelessly,quietlyatfirstandthenwithchokingsobs.

「I』mawfullysorry,」hesaidatlast.「ButIhadtotellyou.」

「Imayjustaswellkillmyselfandhavedonewithit.」

Hetooknonoticeofthethreat.

「Haveyougotanymoney?」heasked.

「Sixorsevenpounds.」

「Youmustgiveupthislife,youknow.Don』tyouthinkyoucouldfindsomeworktodo?I』mafraidIcan』thelpyoumuch.Ionlygettwelvebobaweek.」

「WhatisthereIcandonow?」shecriedimpatiently.

「Damnitall,youMUSTtrytogetsomething.」

Hespoketoherverygravely,tellingherofherowndangerandthedangertowhichsheexposedothers,andshelistenedsullenly.Hetriedtoconsoleher.Atlasthebroughthertoasulkyacquiescenceinwhichshepromisedtodoallheadvised.Hewroteaprescription,whichhesaidhewouldleaveatthenearestchemist』s,andheimpresseduponherthenecessityoftakinghermedicinewiththeutmostregularity.Gettinguptogo,heheldouthishand.

「Don』tbedownhearted,you』llsoongetoveryourthroat.」

Butashewentherfacebecamesuddenlydistorted,andshecaughtholdofhiscoat.

「Oh,don』tleaveme,」shecriedhoarsely.「I』msoafraid,don』tleavemealoneyet.Phil,please.There』snooneelseIcangoto,you』retheonlyfriendI』veeverhad.」

Hefelttheterrorofhersoul,anditwasstrangelylikethatterrorhehadseeninhisuncle』seyeswhenhefearedthathemightdie.Philiplookeddown.Twicethatwomanhadcomeintohislifeandmadehimwretched;shehadnoclaimuponhim;andyet,heknewnotwhy,deepinhisheartwasastrangeaching;itwasthatwhich,whenhereceivedherletter,hadlefthimnopeacetillheobeyedhersummons.

「IsupposeIshallneverreallyquitegetoverit,」hesaidtohimself.

Whatperplexedhimwasthathefeltacurious

physicaldistaste,whichmadeituncomfortableforhimtobenearher.

「Whatdoyouwantmetodo?」heasked.

「Let』sgooutanddinetogether.I』llpay.」

Hehesitated.Hefeltthatshewascreepingbackagainintohislifewhenhethoughtshewasgoneoutofitforever.Shewatchedhimwithsickeninganxiety.

「Oh,IknowI』vetreatedyoushocking,butdon』tleavemealonenow.You』vehadyourrevenge.IfyouleavemebymyselfnowIdon』tknowwhatIshalldo.」

「Allright,Idon』tmind,」hesaid,「butweshallhavetodoitonthecheap,Ihaven』tgotmoneytothrowawaythesedays.」

Shesatdownandputhershoeson,thenchangedherskirtandputonahat;andtheywalkedouttogethertilltheyfoundarestaurantintheTottenhamCourtRoad.Philiphadgotoutofthehabitofeatingatthosehours,andMildred』sthroatwassosorethatshecouldnotswallow.TheyhadalittlecoldhamandPhilipdrankaglassofbeer.Theysatoppositeoneanother,astheyhadsooftensatbefore;hewonderedifsheremembered;theyhadnothingtosaytooneanotherandwouldhavesatinsilenceifPhiliphadnotforcedhimselftotalk.Inthebrightlightoftherestaurant,withitsvulgarlooking-glassesthatreflectedinanendlessseries,shelookedoldandhaggard.Philipwasanxioustoknowaboutthechild,buthehadnotthecouragetoask.Atlastshesaid:

「Youknowbabydiedlastsummer.」

「Oh!」hesaid.

「Youmightsayyou』resorry.」

「I』mnot,」heanswered,「I』mveryglad.」

Sheglancedathimand,understandingwhathemeant,lookedaway

「Youwererarestuckonitatonetime,weren』tyou?Ialwaysthoughtitfunnylikehowyoucouldseesomuchinanotherman』schild.」

Whentheyhadfinishedeatingtheycalledatthechemist』sforthemedicinePhiliphadordered,andgoingbacktotheshabbyroomhemadehertakeadose.ThentheysattogethertillitwastimeforPhiliptogobacktoHarringtonStreet.Hewashideouslybored.

Philipwenttoseehereveryday.Shetookthemedicinehehadprescribedandfollowedhisdirections,andsoontheresultsweresoapparentthatshegainedthegreatestconfidenceinPhilip』sskill.Asshegrewbettershegrewlessdespondent.Shetalkedmorefreely.

「AssoonasIcangetajobIshallbeallright,」shesaid.「I』vehadmylessonnowandImeantoprofitbyit.Nomoreracketingaboutforyourstruly.」

Eachtimehesawher,Philipaskedwhethershehadfoundwork.Shetoldhimnottoworry,shewouldfindsomethingtodoassoonasshewantedit;shehadseveralstringstoherbow;itwasallthebetternottodoanythingforaweekortwo.Hecouldnotdenythis,butattheendofthattimehebecamemoreinsistent.Shelaughedathim,shewasmuchmorecheerfulnow,andsaidhewasafussyoldthing.Shetoldhimlongstoriesofthemanageressessheinterviewed,forherideawastogetworkatsomeeating-house;whattheysaidandwhatsheanswered.Nothingdefinitewasfixed,butshewassuretosettlesomethingatthebeginningofthefollowingweek:therewasnousehurrying,anditwouldbeamistaketotakesomethingunsuitable.

「It』sabsurdtotalklikethat,」hesaidimpatiently.「Youmusttakeanythingyoucanget.Ican』thelpyou,andyourmoneywon』tlastforever.」

「Oh,well,I』venotcometotheendofityetandchanceit.」

Helookedathersharply.Itwasthreeweekssincehisfirstvisit,andshehadthenlessthansevenpounds.Suspicionseizedhim.Herememberedsomeofthe

thingsshehadsaid.Heputtwoandtwotogether.Hewonderedwhethershehadmadeanyattempttofindwork.Perhapsshehadbeenlyingtohimallthetime.Itwasverystrangethathermoneyshouldhavelastedsolong.

「Whatisyourrenthere?」

「Oh,thelandlady』sverynice,differentfromwhatsomeofthemare;she』squitewillingtowaittillit』sconvenientformetopay.」

Hewassilent.Whathesuspectedwassohorriblethathehesitated.Itwasnousetoaskher,shewoulddenyeverything;ifhewantedtoknowhemustfindoutforhimself.Hewasinthehabitofleavinghereveryeveningateight,andwhentheclockstruckhegotup;butinsteadofgoingbacktoHarringtonStreethestationedhimselfatthecornerofFitzroySquaresothathecouldseeanyonewhocamealongWilliamStreet.Itseemedtohimthathewaitedaninterminabletime,andhewasonthepointofgoingaway,thinkinghissurmisehadbeenmistaken,whenthedoorofNo.7openedandMildredcameout.Hefellbackintothedarknessandwatchedherwalktowardshim.Shehadonthehatwithaquantityoffeathersonitwhichhehadseeninherroom,andsheworeadressherecognized,tooshowyforthestreetandunsuitabletothetimeofyear.HefollowedherslowlytillshecameintotheTottenhamCourtRoad,wheresheslackenedherpace;atthecornerofOxfordStreetshestopped,lookedround,andcrossedovertoamusic-hall.Hewentuptoherandtouchedheronthearm.Hesawthatshehadrougedhercheeksandpaintedherlips.

「Whereareyougoing,Mildred?」

Shestartedatthesoundofhisvoiceandreddenedasshealwaysdidwhenshewascaughtinalie;thentheflashofangerwhichheknewsowellcameintohereyesassheinstinctivelysoughttodefendherselfbyabuse.Butshedidnotsaythewordswhichwereonthetipofhertongue.

「Oh,Iwasonlygoingtoseetheshow.Itgivesmethehumpsittingeverynightbymyself.」

Hedidnotpretendtobelieveher.

「Youmustn』t.Goodheavens,I』vetoldyoufiftytimeshowdangerousitis.Youmuststopthissortofthingatonce.」

「Oh,holdyourjaw,」shecriedroughly.「Howd』yousupposeI』mgoingtolive?」

Hetookholdofherarmandwithoutthinkingwhathewasdoingtriedtodragheraway.

「ForGod』ssakecomealong.Letmetakeyouhome.Youdon』tknowwhatyou』redoing.It』scriminal.」

「WhatdoIcare?Letthemtaketheirchance.Menhaven』tbeensogoodtomethatIneedbothermyheadaboutthem.」

Shepushedhimawayandwalkinguptothebox-officeputdownhermoney.Philiphadthreepenceinhispocket.Hecouldnotfollow.HeturnedawayandwalkedslowlydownOxfordStreet.

「Ican』tdoanythingmore,」hesaidtohimself.

Thatwastheend.Hedidnotseeheragain.