Chapter 110

ChristmasthatyearfallingonThursday,theshopwastocloseforfourdays:Philipwrotetohisuncleaskingwhetheritwouldbeconvenientforhimtospendtheholidaysatthevicarage.HereceivedananswerfromMrs.Foster,sayingthatMr.Careywasnotwellenoughtowritehimself,butwishedtoseehisnephewandwouldbegladifhecamedown.ShemetPhilipatthedoor,andwhensheshookhandswithhim,said:

「You』llfindhimchangedsinceyouwasherelast,sir;butyou』llpretendyoudon』tnoticeanything,

won』tyou,sir?He』sthatnervousabouthimself.」

Philipnodded,andsheledhimintothedining-room.

「Here』sMr.Philip,sir.」

TheVicarofBlackstablewasadyingman.Therewasnomistakingthatwhenyoulookedatthehollowcheeksandtheshrunkenbody.Hesathuddledinthearm-chair,withhisheadstrangelythrownback,andashawloverhisshoulders.Hecouldnotwalknowwithoutthehelpofsticks,andhishandstrembledsothathecouldonlyfeedhimselfwithdifficulty.

「Hecan』tlastlongnow,」thoughtPhilip,ashelookedathim.

「Howd』youthinkI』mlooking?」askedtheVicar.「D』youthinkI』vechangedsinceyouwereherelast?」

「Ithinkyoulookstrongerthanyoudidlastsummer.」

「Itwastheheat.Thatalwaysupsetsme.」

Mr.Carey』shistoryofthelastfewmonthsconsistedinthenumberofweekshehadspentinhisbed-roomandthenumberofweekshehadspentdownstairs.Hehadahand-bellbyhissideandwhilehetalkedherangitforMrs.Foster,whosatinthenextroomreadytoattendtohiswants,toaskonwhatdayofthemonthhehadfirstlefthisroom.

「OntheseventhofNovember,sir.」

Mr.CareylookedatPhiliptoseehowhetooktheinformation.

「ButIeatwellstill,don』tI,Mrs.Foster?」

「Yes,sir,you』vegotawonderfulappetite.」

「Idon』tseemtoputonfleshthough.」

Nothinginterestedhimnowbuthishealth.Hewassetupononethingindomitablyandthatwasliving,justliving,notwithstandingthemonotonyofhislifeandtheconstantpainwhichallowedhimtosleeponlywhenhewasundertheinfluenceofmorphia.

「It』sterrible,theamountofmoneyIhavetospendondoctor』sbills.」Hetinkledhisbellagain.「Mrs.Foster,showMasterPhilipthechemist』sbill.」

Patientlyshetookitoffthechimney-pieceandhandedittoPhilip.

「That』sonlyonemonth.Iwaswonderingifasyou』redoctoringyourselfyoucouldn』tgetmethedrugscheaper.Ithoughtofgettingthemdownfromthestores,butthenthere』sthepostage.」

ThoughapparentlytakingsolittleinterestinhimthathedidnottroubletoinquirewhatPhilwasdoing,heseemedgladtohavehimthere.Heaskedhowlonghecouldstay,andwhenPhiliptoldhimhemustleaveonTuesdaymorning,expressedawishthatthevisitmighthavebeenlonger.Hetoldhimminutelyallhissymptomsandrepeatedwhatthedoctorhadsaidofhim.Hebrokeofftoringhisbell,andwhenMrs.Fostercamein,said:

「Oh,Iwasn』tsureifyouwerethere.Ionlyrangtoseeifyouwere.」

WhenshehadgoneheexplainedtoPhilipthatitmadehimuneasyifhewasnotcertainthatMrs.Fosterwaswithinearshot;sheknewexactlywhattodowithhimifanythinghappened.Philip,seeingthatshewastiredandthathereyeswereheavyfromwantofsleep,suggestedthathewasworkinghertoohard.

「Oh,nonsense,」saidtheVicar,「she』sasstrongasahorse.」Andwhennextshecameintogivehimhismedicinehesaidtoher:

「MasterPhilipsaysyou』vegottoomuchtodo,Mrs.Foster.Youlikelookingafterme,don』tyou?」

「Oh,Idon』tmind,sir.IwanttodoeverythingIcan.」

PresentlythemedicinetookeffectandMr.Careyfellasleep.PhilipwentintothekitchenandaskedMrs.Fosterwhethershecouldstandthework.Hesawthatforsomemonthsshehadhadlittlepeace.

「Well,sir,whatcanIdo?」sheanswered.「Thepooroldgentleman』ssodependentonme,and,althoughheistroublesomesometimes,youcan』thelplikinghim,canyou?I』vebeenheresomanyyearsnow,Idon』t

knowwhatIshalldowhenhecomestogo.」

Philipsawthatshewasreallyfondoftheoldman.Shewashedanddressedhim,gavehimhisfood,andwasuphalfadozentimesinthenight;forshesleptinthenextroomtohisandwheneverheawokehetinkledhislittlebelltillshecamein.Hemightdieatanymoment,buthemightliveformonths.Itwaswonderfulthatsheshouldlookafterastrangerwithsuchpatienttenderness,anditwastragicandpitifulthatsheshouldbealoneintheworldtocareforhim.

ItseemedtoPhilipthatthereligionwhichhisunclehadpreachedallhislifewasnowofnomorethanformalimportancetohim:everySundaythecuratecameandadministeredtohimHolyCommunion,andheoftenreadhisBible;butitwasclearthathelookedupondeathwithhorror.Hebelievedthatitwasthegatewaytolifeeverlasting,buthedidnotwanttoenteruponthatlife.Inconstantpain,chainedtohischairandhavinggivenupthehopeofevergettingoutintotheopenagain,likeachildinthehandsofawomantowhomhepaidwages,heclungtotheworldheknew.

InPhilip』sheadwasaquestionhecouldnotask,becausehewasawarethathisunclewouldnevergiveanybutaconventionalanswer:hewonderedwhetherattheveryend,nowthatthemachinewaspainfullywearingitselfout,theclergymanstillbelievedinimmortality;perhapsatthebottomofhissoul,notallowedtoshapeitselfintowordsincaseitbecameurgent,wastheconvictionthattherewasnoGodandafterthislifenothing.

OntheeveningofBoxingDayPhilipsatinthedining-roomwithhisuncle.Hehadtostartveryearlynextmorninginordertogettotheshopbynine,andhewastosaygood-nighttoMr.Careythen.TheVicarofBlackstablewasdozingandPhilip,lyingonthesofabythewindow,lethisbookfallonhiskneesandlookedidlyroundtheroom.Heaskedhimselfhowmuchthefurniturewouldfetch.Hehadwalkedroundthehouseandlookedatthethingshehadknownfromhischildhood;therewereafewpiecesofchinawhichmightgoforadecentpriceandPhilipwonderedifitwouldbeworthwhiletotakethemuptoLondon;butthefurniturewasoftheVictorianorder,ofmahogany,solidandugly;itwouldgofornothingatanauction.Therewerethreeorfourthousandbooks,buteveryoneknewhowbadlytheysold,anditwasnotprobablethattheywouldfetchmorethanahundredpounds.Philipdidnotknowhowmuchhisunclewouldleave,andhereckonedoutforthehundredthtimewhatwastheleastsumuponwhichhecouldfinishthecurriculumatthehospital,takehisdegree,andliveduringthetimehewishedtospendonhospitalappointments.Helookedattheoldman,sleepingrestlessly:therewasnohumanityleftinthatshrivelledface;itwasthefaceofsomequeeranimal.Philipthoughthoweasyitwouldbetofinishthatuselesslife.HehadthoughtiteacheveningwhenMrs.Fosterpreparedforhisunclethemedicinewhichwastogivehimaneasynight.Thereweretwobottles:onecontainedadrugwhichhetookregularly,andtheotheranopiateifthepaingrewunendurable.Thiswaspouredoutforhimandleftbyhisbed-side.Hegenerallytookitatthreeorfourinthemorning.Itwouldbeasimplethingtodoublethedose;hewoulddieinthenight,andnoonewouldsuspectanything;forthatwashowDoctorWigramexpectedhimtodie.Theendwouldbepainless.Philipclenchedhishandsashethoughtofthemoneyhewantedsobadly.Afewmoremonthsofthatwretchedlifecouldmatternothingtotheoldman,butthefewmoremonthsmeanteverythingtohim:hewasgettingtotheendofhisendurance,andwhenhethoughtofgoingbacktoworkinthemorningheshudderedwithhorror.Hisheartbeatquicklyatthethoughtwhichobsessedhim,andthoughhemadeanefforttoputitoutofhismindhecouldnot.Itwouldbesoeasy,so

desperatelyeasy.Hehadnofeelingfortheoldman,hehadneverlikedhim;hehadbeenselfishallhislife,selfishtohiswifewhoadoredhim,indifferenttotheboywhohadbeenputinhischarge;hewasnotacruelman,butastupid,hardman,eatenupwithasmallsensuality.Itwouldbeeasy,desperatelyeasy.Philipdidnotdare.Hewasafraidofremorse;itwouldbenogoodhavingthemoneyifheregrettedallhislifewhathehaddone.Thoughhehadtoldhimselfsooftenthatregretwasfutile,therewerecertainthingsthatcamebacktohimoccasionallyandworriedhim.Hewishedtheywerenotonhisconscience.

Hisuncleopenedhiseyes;Philipwasglad,forhelookedalittlemorehumanthen.Hewasfranklyhorrifiedattheideathathadcometohim,itwasmurderthathewasmeditating;andhewonderedifotherpeoplehadsuchthoughtsorwhetherhewasabnormalanddepraved.Hesupposedhecouldnothavedoneitwhenitcametothepoint,buttherethethoughtwas,constantlyrecurring:ifheheldhishanditwasfromfear.Hisunclespoke.

「You』renotlookingforwardtomydeath,Philip?」Philipfelthisheartbeatagainsthischest.

「Goodheavens,no.」

「That』sagoodboy.Ishouldn』tlikeyoutodothat.You』llgetalittlebitofmoneywhenIpassaway,butyoumustn』tlookforwardtoit.Itwouldn』tprofityouifyoudid.」

Hespokeinalowvoice,andtherewasacuriousanxietyinhistone.ItsentapangintoPhilip』sheart.HewonderedwhatstrangeinsightmighthaveledtheoldmantosurmisewhatstrangedesireswereinPhilip』smind.

「Ihopeyou』llliveforanothertwentyyears,」hesaid.

「Oh,well,Ican』texpecttodothat,butifItakecareofmyselfIdon』tseewhyIshouldn』tlastanotherthreeorfour.」

Hewassilentforawhile,andPhilipfoundnothingtosay.Then,asifhehadbeenthinkingitallover,theoldmanspokeagain.

「Everyonehastherighttoliveaslongashecan.」

Philipwantedtodistracthismind.

「Bytheway,IsupposeyouneverhearfromMissWilkinsonnow?」

「Yes,Ihadalettersometimethisyear.She』smarried,youknow.」

「Really?」

「Yes,shemarriedawidower.Ibelievethey』requitecomfortable.」