Chapter 112

JosiahGravesinhismasterfulwaymadearrangements,becomingbuteconomical,forthefuneral;andwhenitwasovercamebacktothevicaragewithPhilip.Thewillwasinhischarge,andwithaduesenseofthefitnessofthingshereadittoPhilipoveranearlycupoftea.ItwaswrittenonhalfasheetofpaperandlefteverythingMr.Careyhadtohisnephew.Therewasthefurniture,abouteightypoundsatthebank,twentysharesintheA.B.C.company,afewinAllsop』sbrewery,someintheOxfordmusic-hall,andafewmoreinaLondonrestaurant.TheyhadbeenboughtunderMr.Graves』direction,andhetoldPhilipwithsatisfaction:

「Yousee,peoplemusteat,theywilldrink,andtheywantamusement.You』realwayssafeifyouputyourmoneyinwhatthepublicthinksnecessities.」

Hiswordsshowedanicediscriminationbetweenthegrossnessofthevulgar,whichhedeploredbutaccepted,andthefinertasteoftheelect.Altogetherininvestmentstherewasaboutfivehundredpounds;andtothatmustbeaddedthebalanceatthebankandwhatthefurniturewouldfetch.ItwasrichestoPhilip.Hewasnothappybutinfinitelyrelieved.

Mr.Graveslefthim,aftertheyhaddiscussedtheauctionwhichmustbeheldassoonaspossible,andPhilipsathimselfdowntogothroughthepapersofthedeceased.TheRev.WilliamCareyhadpridedhimselfonneverdestroyinganything,andtherewerepilesofcorrespondencedatingbackforfiftyyearsandbundlesuponbundlesofneatlydocketedbills.Hehadkeptnotonlylettersaddressedtohim,butletterswhichhimself

hadwritten.Therewasayellowpacketofletterswhichhehadwrittentohisfatherintheforties,whenasanOxfordundergraduatehehadgonetoGermanyforthelongvacation.Philipreadthemidly.ItwasadifferentWilliamCareyfromtheWilliamCareyhehadknown,andyetthereweretracesintheboywhichmighttoanacuteobserverhavesuggestedtheman.Theletterswereformalandalittlestilted.Heshowedhimselfstrenuoustoseeallthatwasnoteworthy,andhedescribedwithafineenthusiasmthecastlesoftheRhine.ThefallsofSchaffhausenmadehim『offerreverentthankstotheall-powerfulCreatoroftheuniverse,whoseworkswerewondrousandbeautiful,』andhecouldnothelpthinkingthattheywholivedinsightof『thishandiworkoftheirblessedMakermustbemovedbythecontemplationtoleadpureandholylives.』AmongsomebillsPhilipfoundaminiaturewhichhadbeenpaintedofWilliamCareysoonafterhewasordained.Itrepresentedathinyoungcurate,withlonghairthatfelloverhisheadinnaturalcurls,withdarkeyes,largeanddreamy,andapaleasceticface.Philiprememberedthechucklewithwhichhisuncleusedtotellofthedozensofslipperswhichwereworkedforhimbyadoringladies.

TherestoftheafternoonandalltheeveningPhiliptoiledthroughtheinnumerablecorrespondence.Heglancedattheaddressandatthesignature,thentoretheletterintwoandthrewitintothewashing-basketbyhisside.SuddenlyhecameupononesignedHelen.Hedidnotknowthewriting.Itwasthin,angular,andold-fashioned.Itbegan:mydearWilliam,andended:youraffectionatesister.Thenitstruckhimthatitwasfromhisownmother.Hehadneverseenaletterofhersbefore,andherhandwritingwasstrangetohim.Itwasabouthimself.

MydearWilliam,

Stephenwrotetoyoutothankyouforyourcongratulationsonthebirthofoursonandyourkindwishestomyself.ThankGodwearebothwellandIamdeeplythankfulforthegreatmercywhichhasbeenshownme.NowthatIcanholdapenIwanttotellyouanddearLouisamyselfhowtrulygratefulIamtoyoubothforallyourkindnesstomenowandalwayssincemymarriage.Iamgoingtoaskyoutodomeagreatfavour.BothStephenandIwishyoutobetheboy』sgodfather,andwehopethatyouwillconsent.IknowIamnotaskingasmallthing,forIamsureyouwilltaketheresponsibilitiesofthepositionveryseriously,butIamespeciallyanxiousthatyoushouldundertakethisofficebecauseyouareaclergymanaswellastheboy』suncle.Iamveryanxiousfortheboy』swelfareandIprayGodnightanddaythathemaygrowintoagood,honest,andChristianman.WithyoutoguidehimIhopethathewillbecomeasoldierinChrist』sFaithandbeallthedaysofhislifeGod-fearing,humble,andpious.

Youraffectionatesister,Helen.

Philippushedtheletterawayand,leaningforward,restedhisfaceonhishands.Itdeeplytouchedandatthesametimesurprisedhim.Hewasastonishedatitsreligioustone,whichseemedtohimneithermawkishnorsentimental.Heknewnothingofhismother,deadnowfornearlytwentyyears,butthatshewasbeautiful,anditwasstrangetolearnthatshewassimpleandpious.Hehadneverthoughtofthatsideofher.Hereadagainwhatshesaidabouthim,whatsheexpectedandthoughtabouthim;hehadturnedoutverydifferently;helookedathimselfforamoment;perhapsitwasbetterthatshewasdead.Thenasuddenimpulsecausedhimtotearuptheletter;itstendernessandsimplicitymadeitseempeculiarlyprivate;hehadaqueerfeelingthattherewassomethingindecentinhisreadingwhatexposedhismother』sgentlesoul.HewentonwiththeVicar』sdrearycorrespondence.

AfewdayslaterhewentuptoLondon,andforthefirsttimefortwoyearsenteredbydaythehallofSt.Luke』sHospital.HewenttoseethesecretaryoftheMedicalSchool;hewassurprisedtoseehimandaskedPhilipcuriouslywhathehadbeendoing.Philip』sexperienceshadgivenhimacertainconfidenceinhimselfandadifferentoutlookuponmanythings:suchaquestionwouldhaveembarrassedhimbefore;butnowheansweredcoolly,withadeliberatevaguenesswhichpreventedfurtherinquiry,thatprivateaffairshadobligedhimtomakeabreakinthecurriculum;hewasnowanxioustoqualifyassoonaspossible.Thefirstexaminationhecouldtakewasinmidwiferyandthediseasesofwomen,andheputhisnamedowntobeaclerkinthewarddevotedtofeminineailments;sinceitwasholidaytimetherehappenedtobenodifficultyingettingapostasobstetricclerk;hearrangedtoundertakethatdutyduringthelastweekofAugustandthefirsttwoofSeptember.AfterthisinterviewPhilipwalkedthroughtheMedicalSchool,moreorlessdeserted,fortheexaminationsattheendofthesummersessionwereallover;andhewanderedalongtheterracebytheriver-side.Hisheartwasfull.Hethoughtthatnowhecouldbeginanewlife,andhewouldputbehindhimalltheerrors,follies,andmiseriesofthepast.Theflowingriversuggestedthateverythingpassed,waspassingalways,andnothingmattered;thefuturewasbeforehimrichwithpossibilities.

HewentbacktoBlackstableandbusiedhimselfwiththesettlingupofhisuncle』sestate.TheauctionwasfixedforthemiddleofAugust,whenthepresenceofvisitorsforthesummerholidayswouldmakeitpossibletogetbetterprices.Cataloguesweremadeoutandsenttothevariousdealersinsecond-handbooksatTercanbury,Maidstone,andAshford.

OneafternoonPhiliptookitintohisheadtogoovertoTercanburyandseehisoldschool.Hehadnotbeentheresincethedaywhen,withreliefinhisheart,hehadleftitwiththefeelingthatthenceforwardhewashisownmaster.ItwasstrangetowanderthroughthenarrowstreetsofTercanburywhichhehadknownsowellforsomanyyears.Helookedattheoldshops,stillthere,stillsellingthesamethings;thebooksellerswithschool-books,piousworks,andthelatestnovelsinonewindowandphotographsoftheCathedralandofthecityintheother;thegamesshop,withitscricketbats,fishingtackle,tennisrackets,andfootballs;thetailorfromwhomhehadgotclothesallthroughhisboyhood;andthefishmongerwherehisunclewheneverhecametoTercanburyboughtfish.Hewanderedalongthesordidstreetinwhich,behindahighwall,laytheredbrickhousewhichwasthepreparatoryschool.FurtheronwasthegatewaythatledintoKing』sSchool,andhestoodinthequadrangleroundwhichwerethevariousbuildings.Itwasjustfourandtheboyswerehurryingoutofschool.Hesawthemastersintheirgownsandmortar-boards,andtheywerestrangetohim.Itwasmorethantenyearssincehehadleftandmanychangeshadtakenplace.Hesawtheheadmaster;hewalkedslowlydownfromtheschoolhousetohisown,talkingtoabigboywhoPhilipsupposedwasinthesixth;hewaslittlechanged,tall,cadaverous,romanticasPhiliprememberedhim,withthesamewildeyes;buttheblackbeardwasstreakedwithgraynowandthedark,sallowfacewasmoredeeplylined.Philiphadanimpulsetogoupandspeaktohim,buthewasafraidhewouldhaveforgottenhim,andhehatedthethoughtofexplainingwhohewas.

Boyslingeredtalkingtooneanother,andpresentlysomewhohadhurriedtochangecameouttoplayfives;othersstraggledoutintwosandthreesandwentoutofthegateway,Philipknewtheyweregoinguptothecricketground;othersagainwentintotheprecincts

tobatatthenets.Philipstoodamongthemastranger;oneortwogavehimanindifferentglance;butvisitors,attractedbytheNormanstaircase,werenotrareandexcitedlittleattention.Philiplookedatthemcuriously.Hethoughtwithmelancholyofthedistancethatseparatedhimfromthem,andhethoughtbitterlyhowmuchhehadwantedtodoandhowlittledone.Itseemedtohimthatallthoseyears,vanishedbeyondrecall,hadbeenutterlywasted.Theboys,freshandbuoyant,weredoingthesamethingsthathehaddone,itseemedthatnotadayhadpassedsincehelefttheschool,andyetinthatplacewhereatleastbynamehehadknowneverybodynowheknewnotasoul.Inafewyearsthesetoo,otherstakingtheirplace,wouldstandalienashestood;butthereflectionbroughthimnosolace;itmerelyimpresseduponhimthefutilityofhumanexistence.Eachgenerationrepeatedthetrivialround.Hewonderedwhathadbecomeoftheboyswhowerehiscompanions:theywerenearlythirtynow;somewouldbedead,butothersweremarriedandhadchildren;theyweresoldiersandparsons,doctors,lawyers;theywerestaidmenwhowerebeginningtoputyouthbehindthem.Hadanyofthemmadesuchahashoflifeashe?Hethoughtoftheboyhehadbeendevotedto;itwasfunny,hecouldnotrecallhisname;herememberedexactlywhathelookedlike,hehadbeenhisgreatestfriend;buthisnamewouldnotcomebacktohim.Helookedbackwithamusementonthejealousemotionshehadsufferedonhisaccount.Itwasirritatingnottorecollecthisname.Helongedtobeaboyagain,likethosehesawsaunteringthroughthequadrangle,sothat,avoidinghismistakes,hemightstartfreshandmakesomethingmoreoutoflife.Hefeltanintolerableloneliness.Healmostregrettedthepenurywhichhehadsufferedduringthelasttwoyears,sincethedesperatestrugglemerelytokeepbodyandsoultogetherhaddeadenedthepainofliving.Inthesweatofthybrowshaltthouearnthydailybread:itwasnotacurseuponmankind,butthebalmwhichreconciledittoexistence.

ButPhilipwasimpatientwithhimself;hecalledtomindhisideaofthepatternoflife:theunhappinesshehadsufferedwasnomorethanpartofadecorationwhichwaselaborateandbeautiful;hetoldhimselfstrenuouslythathemustacceptwithgaietyeverything,drearinessandexcitement,pleasureandpain,becauseitaddedtotherichnessofthedesign.Hesoughtforbeautyconsciously,andherememberedhowevenasaboyhehadtakenpleasureintheGothiccathedralasonesawitfromtheprecincts;hewentthereandlookedatthemassivepile,grayunderthecloudysky,withthecentraltowerthatroselikethepraiseofmentotheirGod;buttheboyswerebattingatthenets,andtheywerelissomandstrongandactive;hecouldnothelphearingtheirshoutsandlaughter.Thecryofyouthwasinsistent,andhesawthebeautifulthingbeforehimonlywithhiseyes.