Chapter 122
HehadarrangedtomeetSallyonSaturdayintheNationalGallery.Shewastocomethereassoonasshewasreleasedfromtheshopandhadagreedtolunchwithhim.Twodayshadpassedsincehehadseenher,andhisexultationhadnotlefthimforamoment.Itwasbecauseherejoicedinthefeelingthathehadnotattemptedtoseeher.Hehadrepeatedtohimselfexactlywhathewouldsaytoherandhowheshouldsayit.Nowhisimpatiencewasunbearable.HehadwrittentoDoctorSouthandhadinhispocketatelegramfromhimreceivedthatmorning:「Sackingthemumpishfool.Whenwillyoucome?」PhilipwalkedalongParliamentStreet.Itwasafineday,andtherewasabright,frostysunwhichmadethelightdanceinthestreet.Itwascrowded.Therewasatenuousmistinthedistance,anditsoftenedexquisitelythenoblelinesofthebuildings.HecrossedTrafalgarSquare.Suddenlyhisheartgaveasortoftwistinhisbody;hesawawomaninfrontofhimwhohethoughtwasMildred.Shehadthesamefigure,andshewalkedwiththatslightdraggingofthefeetwhichwassocharacteristicofher.Withoutthinking,butwithabeatingheart,hehurriedtillhecamealongside,andthen,whenthewomanturned,hesawitwassomeoneunknowntohim.Itwasthefaceofamucholderperson,withalined,yellowskin.Heslackenedhispace.Hewasinfinitelyrelieved,butitwasnotonlyreliefthathefelt;itwasdisappointmenttoo;hewasseizedwithhorrorofhimself.Wouldheneverbefreefromthatpassion?Atthebottomofhisheart,notwithstandingeverything,hefeltthatastrange,desperatethirstforthatvilewomanwouldalwayslinger.Thatlovehadcausedhimsomuchsufferingthatheknewhewouldnever,neverquitebefreeofit.Onlydeathcouldfinallyassuagehisdesire.
Buthewrenchedthepangfromhisheart.HethoughtofSally,withherkindblueeyes;andhislipsunconsciouslyformedthemselvesintoasmile.HewalkedupthestepsoftheNationalGalleryandsatdowninthefirstroom,sothatheshouldseeherthemomentshecamein.Italwayscomfortedhimtogetamongpictures.Helookedatnoneinparticular,butallowedthemagnificenceoftheircolour,thebeautyoftheirlines,toworkuponhissoul.HisimaginationwasbusywithSally.ItwouldbepleasanttotakeherawayfromthatLondoninwhichsheseemedanunusualfigure,likeacornflowerinashopamongorchidsandazaleas;hehadlearnedintheKentishhop-fieldthatshedidnotbelongtothetown;andhewassurethatshewouldblossomunderthesoftskiesofDorsettoararerbeauty.Shecamein,andhegotuptomeether.Shewasinblack,withwhitecuffsatherwristsandalawncollarroundherneck.Theyshookhands.
「Haveyoubeenwaitinglong?」
「No.Tenminutes.Areyouhungry?」
「Notvery.」
「Let』ssithereforabit,shallwe?」
「Ifyoulike.」
Theysatquietly,sidebyside,withoutspeaking.Philipenjoyedhavinghernearhim.Hewaswarmedbyherradianthealth.Aglowoflifeseemedlikeanaureoletoshineabouther.
「Well,howhaveyoubeen?」hesaidatlast,withalittlesmile.
「Oh,it』sallright.Itwasafalsealarm.」
「Wasit?」
「Aren』tyouglad?」
Anextraordinarysensationfilledhim.HehadfeltcertainthatSally』ssuspicionwaswell-founded;ithadneveroccurredtohimforaninstantthattherewasapossibilityoferror.Allhisplansweresuddenlyoverthrown,andtheexistence,soelaboratelypictured,wasnomorethanadreamwhichwouldneverberealised.Hewasfreeoncemore.Free!Heneedgiveupnoneofhisprojects,andlifestillwasinhishandsforhimtodowhathelikedwith.Hefeltnoexhilaration,butonlydismay.Hisheartsank.Thefuturestretchedoutbeforehimindesolateemptiness.Itwasasthoughhehadsailedformanyyearsoveragreatwasteofwaters,withperilandprivation,andatlasthadcomeuponafairhaven,butashewasabouttoenter,somecontrarywindhadarisenanddrovehimoutagainintotheopensea;andbecausehehadlethisminddwellonthesesoftmeadsandpleasantwoodsoftheland,thevastdesertsoftheoceanfilledhimwithanguish.Hecouldnotconfrontagainthelonelinessandthetempest.Sallylookedathimwithhercleareyes.
「Aren』tyouglad?」sheaskedagain.「Ithoughtyou』dbeaspleasedasPunch.」
Hemethergazehaggardly.「I』mnotsure,」hemuttered.
「Youarefunny.Mostmenwould.」
Herealisedthathehaddeceivedhimself;itwasnoself-sacrificethathaddrivenhimtothinkofmarrying,butthedesireforawifeandahomeandlove;andnowthatitallseemedtoslipthroughhisfingershewasseizedwithdespair.Hewantedallthatmorethananythingintheworld.WhatdidhecareforSpainanditscities,Cordova,Toledo,Leon;whattohimwerethepagodasofBurmahandthelagoonsofSouthSeaIslands?Americawashereandnow.Itseemedtohimthatallhislifehehadfollowedtheidealsthatotherpeople,bytheirwordsortheirwritings,hadinstilledintohim,andneverthedesiresofhisownheart.Alwayshiscoursehadbeenswayedbywhathethoughtheshoulddoandneverbywhathewantedwithhiswholesoultodo.Heputallthatasidenowwithagestureofimpatience.Hehadlivedalwaysinthefuture,andthepresentalways,alwayshadslippedthroughhisfingers.Hisideals?Hethoughtofhisdesiretomakeadesign,intricateandbeautiful,outofthemyriad,meaninglessfactsoflife:hadhenotseenalsothatthesimplestpattern,thatinwhichamanwasborn,worked,married,hadchildren,anddied,waslikewisethemostperfect?Itmightbethattosurrendertohappinesswastoacceptdefeat,butitwasadefeatbetterthanmanyvictories.
HeglancedquicklyatSally,hewonderedwhatshewasthinking,andthenlookedawayagain.
「Iwasgoingtoaskyoutomarryme,」hesaid.
「Ithoughtp』rapsyoumight,butIshouldn』thavelikedtostandinyourway.」
「Youwouldn』thavedonethat.」
「Howaboutyourtravels,Spainandallthat?」
「Howd』youknowIwanttotravel?」
「Ioughttoknowsomethingaboutit.I』veheardyouandDadtalkaboutittillyouwereblueintheface.」
「Idon』tcareadamnaboutallthat.」Hepausedforaninstantandthenspokeinalow,hoarsewhisper.「Idon』twanttoleaveyou!Ican』tleaveyou.」
Shedidnotanswer.Hecouldnottellwhatshethought.
「Iwonderifyou』llmarryme,Sally.」
Shedidnotmoveandtherewasnoflickerofemotiononherface,butshedidnotlookathimwhensheanswered.
「Ifyoulike.」
「Don』tyouwantto?」
「Oh,ofcourseI』dliketohaveahouseofmyown,andit』sabouttimeIwassettlingdown.」
Hesmiledalittle.Heknewherprettywellbynow,andhermannerdidnotsurprisehim.
「Butdon』tyouwanttomarryME?」
「There』snooneelseIwouldmarry.」
「Thenthatsettlesit.」
「MotherandDadwillbesurprised,won』tthey?」
「I』msohappy.」
「Iwantmylunch,」shesaid.
「Dear!」
Hesmiledandtookherhandandpressedit.Theygotupandwalkedoutofthegallery.TheystoodforamomentatthebalustradeandlookedatTrafalgarSquare.Cabsandomnibuseshurriedtoandfro,andcrowdspassed,hasteningineverydirection,andthesunwasshining.
TheEnd